“What is the role of men in South Africa’s persisting gender-based violence (GBV) crisis?”

That was the central question at the inaugural Men’s Conference hosted in Strandfontein last week by the School of Hard Knocks (SoHK) – an event deliberately held during Women’s Month to challenge men to step, stand up and speak up, not only in August but beyond.

Against the backdrop of one of the highest GBV rates in the world, the conference was a space for men of different ages and backgrounds to confront hard truths about masculinity, accountability and the urgent need to break cycles of violence.

For SoHK, the conference is part of a broader initiative – Project #NxtGenMen, supported by the Irish Embassy – that uses the power of sport and mentorship to shift harmful gender norms, build healthier relationships and ultimately reduce violence.

“Too often, it is women who are expected to speak out, protest and carry the burden of driving change,” said SoHK chief executive Lana Rolfe, explaining why the men’s conference was launched. “We need to create spaces where men themselves interrogate their behaviours, speak honestly about their struggles, and commit to being part of the solution.”

Rolfe explained that the NxtGenMen programme has grown from working with 140 men in 2022 to now reaching more than 5 000 men and boys across several provinces with over 260 trained facilitators now running workshops in their own communities. 

The testimonies at the conference revealed how many men carry unspoken pain, trauma and confusion about their roles, which sometimes manifest in harmful ways.

Myths of Masculinity

The opening session, presented by Lali Mili from Langa, was on “Exploring the Myths of Masculinity”. He invited participants to reflect on the messages they grew up with about “what it means to be a man.”

Some shared phrases like “men don’t cry” or “a man must always provide,” admitting they had internalised these ideals even when they felt harmful. Others challenged the notion that strength is only physical.

“If I could tell a younger boy one truth about masculinity,” one participant said, “it would be that being a man is not about domination. It’s about respect and responsibility.”

Discussions also explored how redefining masculinity could reshape homes, schools and workplaces. The consensus: when boys grow up knowing vulnerability is not weakness, society becomes safer and healthier.

For Wilfred Mackay, the SoHK journey was deeply personal.“I went through many programmes before, but this one helped me learn things about myself that I never realised,” he said. “I had to confront patterns I didn’t even know were there – and that’s when change became possible.”

Relationships

Men also spoke candidly about challenges in maintaining healthy relationships, especially in communities shaped by poverty, crime and trauma. Ashtivon Jansen, a 23-year-old from Hanover Park who left gangsterism and drugs behind, said opening emotionally was his biggest lesson.

Just a few months ago, I was living a very different life,” he admitted. “I didn’t expect to be here today. It’s not easy to get out — gangs don’t let you go freely. But I’ve learned that men can’t keep everything bottled inside. You need to open up, even when it’s hard. That’s what makes the difference.”

Another participant, Collin Engelbrecht, stressed that the conference was about transformation.“I came here because I want to be a game changer,” he said. “Too many men are going down the wrong path. But every one of us has a chance to change, to move forward with wisdom.”

The conversations often turned to fatherhood, and the legacies men leave behind. For some, the absence of a positive male role model had left scars. For others, reconciliation was a powerful theme.

One speaker recalled his estranged relationship with his son: “For three years, my boy refused to speak to me. He told me: ‘You’re out saving the world as a pastor, but you forgot about me.’ That broke me. But we have worked through it, rebuilt our relationship, and now we’re even collaborating professionally. That’s the kind of healing we need in families.”

Such honesty underscored a central message of the conference: that dismantling GBV starts in the home, with men learning to model respect, responsibility and care.

Becoming ‘game changers’

In one of the most stirring addresses, motivational speaker Albert Matthews urged participants to see themselves as “game changers” who can interrupt cycles of harm.

“I grew up with a father on drugs, a mother who was an alcoholic, and brothers in gangsterism,” Matthews said. “I had every excuse to fail. But excuses don’t define you — choices do. A game changer is someone who impacts one person’s life for the better. That ripple effect can reach thousands.”

He likened the process to the migration of monarch butterflies, which takes four generations to complete. “Change is not instant. Sometimes you won’t see the results in your lifetime. But your responsibility is to keep the cycle moving, so that the next generation can fly farther than you did.”

A recurring call was for men to become “interrupters” – people willing to step in when violence, abuse or harmful behaviour surfaces.

“As men, we need to stop being bystanders,” one facilitator said. “Sometimes being a game changer is not about doing something big – it’s about stopping something small before it grows. If you see abuse, speak up. If you see your friend disrespecting his partner, call him out. Interruption is action.”

This notion resonated strongly with younger men at the gathering. Ethan Barlow, said he left with a clearer sense of responsibility: “I’ve learned tools to become wiser and to step up. Sometimes we think being a man is about toughness. But real strength is about protecting, listening and building.”

Shifting a culture of silence and violence

Throughout the day, participants reflected on how patriarchal norms had shaped them. Many admitted that society had taught men to be silent about emotions and struggles. That silence, they said, too often exploded in violence.

“We don’t talk about what hurt us, how we were raised, or how we were fathered,” said one attendee. “That silence is killing us – and it’s killing women too. These spaces allow us to unlearn, to talk, and to grow.”

For SoHK and its partners, the ultimate goal is cultural transformation. “Imagine the next generation of South Africans growing up in a society where mutual respect accountability and compassion between men and women is the norm,” Rolfe said. “That’s the vision — but it will only happen if men are willing to do the work now.”

As the conference closed, participants stood together in agreement: ending GBV is not a woman’s struggle alone. It is a men’s issue too, one that requires courage, honesty and collective action.

“Enough is enough,” Matthews told the crowd in his final words. “We don’t need perfect men. We need present men. Men who choose every day to change the game instead of the game changing them.”

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